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by Cul Timlen



Drugging Children Keeps America Safe


A draft of a plan to ban all films, television programs and video games that depict violence or the use of weapons of any sort was leaked by an unnamed source in the inner circle of a California senator well-known for a desire to ban anything and everything.


“Hollywood has for far too long gotten away with murder!” the senator wrote in a margin note that went on to insist that the strictest censorship must be applied to films that portray violence, the use of climate-changing motor vehicles and the eating of meat.


“Mind control starts in the cradle,” the senator chided in a note to staffers not thinking globally at all times, citing the success of progressive digital device manufacturer Peachy in understanding what is at stake. “The patenting by Peachy of its new ‘Pacif-I-er’® device for globally committed parents who understand that time cannot be wasted on child-raising—that task takes a village—represents a great leap forward in pacification for progress. Those who insist upon having children will now be able to leave them unattended for a nearly unlimited time!


The Pacif-I-fier device, sporting an innovative retro look, emits a steady dose of the recently developed drug “Nirvananana,” which (works through age eleven) lowers the child’s heart and respiratory rates to near-vegetative status while emitting an electrical current that flattens brain-waves and arrests all mental activity for hours or even days on end! Or, along the same lines, the device can be attached to optional ear-buds and a repeat-play program of politician’s speeches used to lull the child into a stupor. This is progress! Today speeches, tomorrow, visual stimuli from which all violence has been purged. Endless reruns of “The Beaver Meets the Hundred and One Dalmatians. There will be no limit to pacification”


The draft also expressed intention to bar not merely violence or weapon representation, but also gender differentiation, so that all characters will resemble the android C-3PO from Star Wars. Harsh language will also be banned, as will themes that could result in hurt feelings. Hollywood moguls expressed delight with the new censorship, unanimous in their agreement that only wholesome entertainment should be offered to the public. Industry spokesperson Lackawanna Begay stated: “Violence? Sexual titillation? Profanity? None of that for us! Wholesome entertainment: that’s Hollywood!”


The report clearly recognized the reality that it isn’t weapons or their availability that cause violence; it’s the mental conditioning that desensitizes the dull-minded that does. “When the impressionable are exposed to non-stop broadcasting of extreme, perhaps demented violence and perversion. Cut off the problem by censoring such potentially dangerous ‘entertainment’ and weapon misuse will almost certainly decrease,” concluded a paragraph later redacted by the senator.


Always in the vanguard, Californians can now look forward to a violence-free environment where life is beautiful all the time and the sun is gonna shine tomorrow!