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by Nairb McLlac

Vatican Considering Declaring the Next Pope a Saint

(A-CNN Special Report) The Sub-Commission for the Dubious Causes of Saints has today announced it delivered an urgent report to the Congregation for the Causes of Saints. The group unanimously voted to have the yet-to-be-elected next pope declared a saint on an expedited basis, preferably before the conclave announces its decision. 

Sister Ima Gullible, secretary for the group explained: “The trend since the papacy of John Paul II is to declare every pope since Vatican II a saint as quickly as possible.  The recent precedent of John Paul II’s beatification demonstrates that the determination of heroic sanctity has nothing to do with the actual pontificate of the potential saint.  All of a sudden it hit us like a thunderbolt from Mount Olympus.  If that is true why wait for the actual pope’s term of office to end, or even begin?” 

Sister Gullible went on to explain in a press conference called to announce the sub-commission’s recommendation that declaring the next pope a saint now will save time, delay and costs later.  If the investigation occurs after the next pope dies the Congregation would actually have to investigate his life.   “This lengthy documentation is an utter waste of time and resources since we already know the conclusion.  This way we can avoid the whole business of writing reports and studies and just get to the desired conclusion.”

When asked about the required miracles, Sister Gullible indicated that issue has been dealt with: “We already have two miracles lined up. We found a lady in New South Wales with an ingrown toenail.  We told her to pray to the future, unnamed, pope, and, after a visit to the podiatrist, her toe was healed.  We also found a man living in the Soho section of London who was suffering mental anguish over his same-sex attraction.  After he prayed to the next pope he found a new inner peace with his sexual identity, which he credits to the intercession of the next pope.  After we confirmed his miracle we directed him to a nearby church which has special liturgies designed to minister sensitively to homosexuals like him.”

When asked who would actually declare the canonization since only the Sovereign Pontiff can do so, Sister explained that they have a solution for that as well:  “Either we will get Benedict XVI to grant a special exception to our new timeline so he will beatify and canonize his successor at 7:30 p.m. on February 28^th before leaving office or we will have the next pope beatify and canonize himself shortly after taking office.” 

Said Sister Gullible: “Clearly this idea was inspired by the Holy Spirit since everything is falling into place perfectly.  I wouldn’t be surprised to see a group organized outside in St. Peter’s tomorrow chanting ‘Nemo subito’.”