By I. M. Persiflage
Itself a Hate Group
This week, in a shocking move, the Southern Poverty Law
Center (SPLC) has declared itself a hate group. The
decision came as a surprise to many SPLC followers. The SPLC was founded in 1971 to fight white supremacist
organizations. Over the years, the SPLC began to compose
a list of organizations they consider “hate groups.”
This “hate list” began by including legitimate “hate
groups” such as the KKK and Neo-Nazis.
the SPLC’s “hate list” has been criticized. Critics say
the SPLC “hate list” gradually began to encompass a
growing number of mainstream conservative political
organizations and that SPLC additions to the list are
This controversy intensified when
the SPLC expanded its “hate list” once again last month.
In this latest expansion, the SPLC made a number of
controversial additions to this expanded “hate list”
The Boy Scouts
The Special Olympics
Civil War Reenactors
Revolutionary War Reenactors
The Country Music Association
Renaissance Festivals of America
The Tall Club
Medieval Times Restaurants
Little People of America
The American Mustache Institute
Black & White Film Lovers Association
The Jeff Foxworthy Fan Club
This week, the controversy took an unexpected turn. In a
surprise move, Howard Mandell, chairman of the SPLC,
made the following announcement:
It has come to my attention that our definition for what
constitutes a hate group is now so expansive that it
actually includes the SPLC itself. In order to include
more hate groups, the SPLC had to expand our definition
of “hate group” to include: “any organization or
collection of people who are discriminatory, intolerant,
or disparaging of any other organization or collection
of people they disagree with.”
In order to be consistent with this definition, we
unfortunately had to declare ourselves a “hate group”.
That said, our experts are working around the clock, to
revise our “hate group” definition. In the future it
will hopefully be narrow enough to exclude the SPLC, but
still broad enough to include those organizations we
despise. As soon as this goal is accomplished, the SPLC
intends to remove its own “hate group” designation. At
that time the SPLC can get back to ensuring the world is
safe from hate by having our team write “hate group” on
the Wikipedia pages of every organization we disagree
In an A-CNN exclusive, we sat down with SPLC Chairman,
Howard Mandell, to ask a few questions about his group’s
Mandell, thank you very much for meeting with us. Before
I begin, may I just say I’m a big fan of your work on
“Deal or No Deal” and “America’s Got Talent.” In fact,
not many young kids know this, but I remember back in
the late 70’s when you first started in stand-up. You
place a latex glove over your head and inflate it by
blowing through your nose. The fingers of the glove
would extend above your head like a rooster! (laughs)
Let me just say, that was hilarious.
That’s HOWIE Mandel. The comedian. I’m Howard Mandell,
Chairman of the SPLC.
Yes, I see..Ok, I have here a list of recent additions
the SPLC made to their “hate list.” If we could, let’s
play a sort of “word association” game. I’ll name a
group and you tell me briefly why they are a “hate
They discriminate against young and middle aged persons.
Ok. The NHL.
How many African-American hockey players have you seen
Hmm..not very many. Ok, The Boy Scouts.
They don’t allow girls or homosexual scoutmasters.
They discriminate against the able-bodied.
But the NBA has the WNBA for women.
Nobody watches the WNBA.
Hmm…good point. Civil War Reenactors.
Half of them suit up as soldiers who fought to
Revolutionary War Reenactors?
Both sides fought for nations where slavery was legal.
The Country Music Association?
No African-American singers.
What about Charley Pride?
Who is Charley Pride?
Good point…The NFL?
So you want to see women get injured playing football?
No. Actually, if the NFL admitted women, they would
still be a hate group because they would be perpetuating
violence against women.
Well, at least you’re honest. Umm… MENSA?
Discriminates against bright people who don’t do well on
Did you not get in to MENSA?
Renaissance Festivals of America?
Glorifies Christian tyranny, bigotry, misogyny,
religious intolerance, and economic inequity.
Hmm..ok. You must admit, though…it IS fun to
dress up like a Crusader Knight and chomp on a turkey
leg with a big stein of beer.
I will not admit it.
NO! … ok maybe a little.
Let’s see. The Tall Club?
Discriminates against short people.
Ahh…actually that reminds me of that song “Short People”
by Randy Newman. You probably remember that song from
the 70’s. It came out just about the time you started
I never did stand-up! That was Howie Mandel.
It goes like this (clears throat- starts to sing):
Short People got no reason
They got little hands
They walk around
Tellin' great big lies
They got little noses
And tiny little teeth
They wear platform shoes
On their nasty little feet
I….I can’t believe what I’m hearing!!
Short People are just the same
As you and I
All men are brothers
Until the day they die
(It's A Wonderful World)
Whew! Ok, that’s better.
I’m not done…
They got little baby legs
That stand so low
You got to pick 'em up
Just to say hello
AHHH! (plugs ears) That’s it! One more verse of this and
A-CNN is going on the hate-list buddy! ONE MORE VERSE!!
That’s a promise!
Shhh! You’re going to miss the best part…
They got little cars
That go beep, beep, beep
They got little voices
Goin' peep, peep, peep
They got grubby little fingers
And dirty little minds
They're gonna get you every time
Well, I don't want no Short People
HA! You want to see something REALLY funny? A-CNN on the
“HATE LIST”!! Look here, I’m writing it in my notebook
as we speak, hater! (writes in notebook) It’s going on
your Wikipedia page tomorrow.
Hey, I didn’t write the song. Look, here’s the video
(watches video) Hmm…actually kind of catchy.
(writing on note pad)
What are you doing!?? Do NOT write that down!! Randy
Newman and his fan club are both going on the hate-list
tomorrow. You hear that Newman!!?? You’re FINISHED!
Ok, Mr. Mandell, please calm down. Back to the hate-list
word-association game. The South?
Ahem. (Regains composure) Yes. They are all racists.
Little People of America.
They won’t allow tall people.
Wait a second. I thought you just said the Tall Club was
a hate group because it didn’t allow short people?
But now short people are a hate group because they don’t
allow tall people?
So if short people are haters, the SPLC should actually
support Newman’s song because it is mocking a hate
Nevermind…Let’s see. Where were we…. ah yes. The
American Mustache Institute?? Why are they a hate group?
They discriminate against women, children, and men who
can’t grow mustaches.
Can you grow a mustache?
I see. Umm..the Black & White Film Lovers Association?
All black and white movies were made during a racist,
misogynistic, and patriarchal time in our history. Those
who would band together to watch and preserve these
movies could only have one motivation.
I see. Excellent. Well, Howie, thank you for your time
and I hope the SPLC can get off of their own hate list
I’m not Howie!