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VATICAN CITY, FEBRUARY 3, 2020 — A commission of cardinals, bishops, clergy, and laity has been appointed by the Congregation for Clergy to study evidence that orangutans once exercised diaconal functions in the ancient church. Responding to objections, Archbishop Aldo Huxley of Borneo defended the inevitability of the commission’s work. “Even if the evidence is almost non-existent and hinges on questionable archaeological theories, that’s no reason for skepticism. Look at Darwinian evolution, or the liturgical reform, both of which are accepted now by everyone.”