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Wednesday, September 14, 2022

Bishop Robber Barren Interviews Pope Frantic

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Bishop Robber Barren Interviews Pope Frantic

Bishop Robber Barren: Thank you for meeting with me, Your Hooliganness. I am honored to be sitting in the same place here in your private Vatican chambers where the great one recently sat.

Pope Frantic: It’s-a great to see you again, Robber! The great one—you mean-a Viganò?

BRB: Good one, Your Hooliganness! No, I mean Nancy Pelosi.

PF: Ah, yes. She is-a great. But not so great as-a the Big Guy. We-a agree on-a everything. We-a so alike our friends, like-a Bono and-a James Martin, call us “Joeglio.” Ha ha! Neither-a one of us remotely-a Catholic. Ha ha ha! He build-a back-a better, I build-a back-a globalist. Same-a thing! Get it? Great-a stuff.

BRB: Yes, great stuff, Your Hooliganness.

PF: Tell-a me, how is-a the, como se dice, “custodianship” of tradition coming along? Have you managed to apostatize all of-a America yet?

BRB: Well, um, no, Your Hooliganness. Actually, things aren’t going so well at all. In fact, just recently I did an interview with an American actor. A very famous one, and quite young. His name is Shia LaBeouf. Have you heard of him?

PF: Is he an atheist?

BRB: No, I’m afraid that’s just it. He’s not an atheist at all.

PF: Then I’ve-a never heard of him. Go on.

BRB: Well, Your Hooliganness, this Shia LaBeouf is going to be in a movie. He’s playing Padre Pio… Your Hooliganness, are you OK?

PF: PIIIIOOOOOOO! Aaaaaa, hooooo. OK, OK. I’m-a OK. I am-a sorry. I am-a better now. The name you just said, don’t-a say it again, please. My eyes-a roll-a back in my head whenever I hear it. And I hear-a loud screeching, and-a feel like-a Linda Blair.

BRB: I’m sorry, Your Hooliganness. Yes, the same thing happens to me. Well, this famous young actor came on the Robber Barren Show to do an interview. And do you know what happened? Do you know what he told me?

PF: He decided to become an atheist?

BRB: No.

PF: He decided to become a transgender immigrant?

BRB: Not that either.

PF: Pity. What-a, then?

BRB: He converted. To Catholicism.

PF: Que? No es posible.

BRB: Yes. But that’s not all. He was converted by attending the Mass.

PF: OK, where’s-a the Candid-a Camera? Now I know you are-a joking, Robber! You kidder, a-you! How you-a say it in English? You-a pulling on-a my chain!

No one has ever been converted by the fake-a Novus Ordo “Mass.” It-a isn’t a “Mass” at all. But I don’t-a need to tell you-a this! It’s—ha ha ha, I can’t-a stop laughing!—it’s a Protestant bait-and-a-switch! It’s a trap! Aaaa, ha ha ha ha!

All-a the guitars, and the lesbian-a nuns singing a-cheesy pop songs, and the hands a-shaking, and the hands a-clapping, and the priest-a doing a stand-up routine with-a his back a-turned to the tabernacle—aaaa, ha ha ha! It’s-a not a Mass, Robber! It’s-a not-a possible for anyone to be converted by it! It was all-a planned in-a Switzerland.

This-a LeBeouf is-a pulling your-a chain, or you-a pulling on mine!

BRB: Not the Novus Ordo, Your Hooliganness. The Latin Mass. The real Mass. The one Padr… the one that Italian Capuchin used to do. The one you and I have been trying to kill. The one that just won’t die.

PF: ¿¡Que!?

BRB: Yes, Your Hooliganness. That one.

PF: But-a it-a cannot-a be. No! So rigid. Don’t-a the young-a people want to be atheists like-a us-a old-a hippies? It’s-a like Woodstock and the Sexual Revolution never happened! It’s-a like the Second-a Vatican Council is-a being…

BRB: Rejected?

PF: Rejected! And for-a what? For this-a Mass, the recreation of Calvary and of-a Easter, the preparation of the food of-a angels, the intercession of-a the priest on-a behalf of-a sinful mankind! No!

BRB: I’m afraid, Your Hooliganness, yes.

PF: Robber, you-a made that-a great-a DVD, am I-a right? You portrayed Catholicism as-a some cultural phenomenon. You made it all about the-a architecture, the-a stained-a glass-a windows, the old-a chanting, the-a… what you-a call the beads-a thing?

BRB: The Rosary, Your Hooliganness?

PF: Yes, that-a thing! You make-a the Catholicism into an “ism,” you make it-a just-a like communism (ahh, sweet-a communism), just-a like socialism, just-a like Peronism (ahh!), just-a like Lutheranism—that’s-a what you did-a, am I-a missing something?

BRB: No, Your Hooliganness, that’s just what I tried to do.

PF: And-a you never-a failed to be pretentious, right? You talk-a down to the… como se dice, the dupes in the pews-a?

BRB: The laity?

PF: Si! The-a laity. You talk-a down to them, right? You-a tell them, you all-a pretty stupid, you don’t-a understand Aristotle, you don’t-a know Marx (ahh!), so you-a listen to old Bishop Barren, you-a listen to Cardinal Whirl, you-a listen to Chippendale McCleric. You-a don’t need any Mass for your-a salvation! You just-a need social-a justice. You just-a need vote Democrat, all bueno.

Seamless-a garment! You-a put the money in-a the basket, we-a do the rest! When you were the auxiliary bishop of Lust Engels, you-a tell them-a this?

BRB: Yes, and more, Your Hooliganness. I have missed no opportunity to disparage the Latin Mass. I have told people, for example via my smash hit outreach program “Blurbs on Flyers,” that I, Bishop Robber Barren, the Fifth Evangelist, dispense the laity from having to have any direct encounter with—oh, drat, I always forget his name—right, Jesus. That’s who they meet in the Latin Mass, so, by all means, they shouldn’t go there.

I tell them that the Latin Mass is Catholic MAGA. I tell them that the Latin prayers are superstitious medieval claptrap. I intone the word “tradition” making the same face I make when I have to scrape things off the bottom of my shoe. I knock the Latin Mass at every turn. I come across as arrogant and aloof. I exude contempt for the Latin Mass.

PF: So what’s-a the problem? Why didn’t this-a young man Shia listen to you?

BRB: He wants the real thing!

PF: This is a disaster. Un desastre grande.

Listen here-a, Robber. We in-a big trouble. If we don’t-a nip-a this in the bud, then the Protestant-a trinket we-a throw at the basket-fillers and call the “Novus Ordo mass” is-a finished. If-a we have-a lost the young people, then my Lord-a and-a Master no gonna be a happy-a camper.

This-a guy Shia, he-a no want to be a transgender immigrant? He want the Latin Mass instead? That’s-a it for us if that’s-a so. We are just-a old hippies a-teetering into-a the sunset.


PF: Robber, thank you for the-a interview, but I have to run. I have to go write an encyclical. I hope-a the Roman cardinals aren’t-a having their-a usual orgy in the room with-a the typewriter…

And I have to go-a excommunicate Shia LaBeouf!

Nice-a talking to you, Robber! See you at-a the Novus Ordo later this-a afternoon! Pachamama be with you!

BRB: And also with you, Your Hooliganness.

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Last modified on Wednesday, September 14, 2022
Jason Morgan | Remnant Correspondent, TOKYO

Jason Morgan is an associate professor at Reitaku University in Chiba, Japan, where he teaches language, history, and philosophy. He specializes in Japanese legal history. He’s published four books in Japanese and two book-length Japanese-to-English translations. His work has also appeared at Japan Forward, New Oxford Review, Crisis, Modern Age, University BookmanChronicles, and Clarion Review.