BRAKING NEWS: The Vatican Congregation for the Causes of the Saints has released a new proposal to improve the Beatification Qualification process concerning the need for miracles by venerable candidates. The agreed solution involves the creation of a miraculous pool/bank of certified miracles that occur within a particular time period from which those candidates, such as the Pope, now St. John XXIII, can be attached and credited with. The hypothesis concerns the theological attachment of the Communion of Saints and how they share in a spiritual life of events and how too, they can cooperatively share in the miracles during their time on earth.
“From those who have the greatest ability to those who have the greatest need.”*
It is not as if miracles were not plentiful during the Twentieth Century; there are thousands of documented events attributed to the holy monk St. Padre Pio alone. The question is in the neo-theology of sharing this resource so that the new egalitarian and ecumenical Church of post-Vatican II can prosper by them. Since we now have eliminated or at least avoid hierarchical references and prefer equality of status it can be presumed fair to consider the relationship of sainthood in a certain guideline time period and the miraculous events of that period; rather than emphasize an individual’s direct involvement with the miraculous event.
Breaking News: The Vatican Press Office has just announced that the newly created Vatican Congregation for Liturgical Creativity (VCLC) will take part in the celebration of the Pope Paul VI Beatification Vatican Ceremony and Celebration.
Planned for this October 2014, the VCLC will initiate the “Most Novel Spirit of Vatican II Liturgical Award” presentation. The award winning Liturgy will be celebrated at the opening of the Beatification celebration and the awards ceremony will take place as part of the Beatification closing events.
The Most Novel Spirit of Vatican II Liturgical Award will be the first grand prize award of its kind ever given for liturgical creativity. The award will be presented by the Bishop of Rome (a.k.a. Pope Francis) to the liturgical team leader who has created the most novel worship liturgy service in the ordinary Novus Ordo form. The decision to award this prize by the VCLC at this time is to show particular honor to and celebrate Pope Paul VI’s Novus Ordo Missae and Sacrosanctum Concilium.
It has often been said by Neo-Catholic apologists that we Traditionalists are uncharitable, mean-spirited, and ill tempered. Basically just downright mean. In order to dispel this notion, I've taken it upon myself to perform an act of charity towards Neo-Catholic apologists everywhere.
After considering many possibilities, I decided what can possibly be more charitable than assisting Neo-Catholic apologists to pray? And what do Neo-Catholic apologists pray? Well, among other things, they pray the Vatican II inspired Liturgy of the Hours issued by Paul VI in the 1970's. And found inside those Liturgy of the Hours as a Morning Prayer hymn is the song "Morning Has Broken."
Breaking News: Special Vatican Research Commission on Interplanetary Religious Affairs (SVRCIRA) files its Report: “Vanishing Catholics”
A-CNN Special Report—The Long Awaited Report addressing the Traditionalist’s charge alleging that there is a Crisis in the post-Vatican II neo-Church has finally concluded. The Special Commission (SVRCIRA), appointed by Pope Francis, on Interplanetary Religious Affairs, has submitted their finished documented edition for publication. With approval given by the Pope the SVRCIRA document has now been released by the Pontifical Council for Social Communications and can be accessed on the Vatican website. The project document is titled: “Vanishing Catholics”.
A position of adamant denial, that any such Crisis exists within the Church, is the position that Pope Francis and the Magisterium have steadily maintained. This is not however, how the ridged restorationists who cling to traditions abandoned by the Second Vatican Council see the Church’s present position. Factual statistics however, do reveal that over 2,500 Catholic parish closings in the USA alone, not to mention their affiliated Catholic schools, rectories and convents followed in the wake of the Second Vatican Council. In fact, the rate of Catholic Parish Closings in the USA is steadily increasing, at what would normally be considered an alarming rate, and there seems to be no end in sight. The Cardinal Archbishop of New York’s Archdiocese, Cardinal Timothy Dolan, has been busily closing parishes and making plans to vacate the properties but, still maintains that no “Crisis” exists.
A-CNN Breaking News Report: Officials from the Vatican Promotions Center for the Preforming Arts have released today the following bulletin: “The blockbusting “Rock the Rock” concert tour has already been sold out in two major USA cities and appears to be selling out everywhere else as well.”
Another spokesman for the Vatican “Rocks the Rock” Tour itself tells us that the Pope’s hot new thumbs-up show, which the press has labeled, “The Endless World Youth Day Spectacular”, is breaking all attendance records.
It has even been rumored that Italian singing nun sensation, Sister Cristina Scuccia, will Headline this star-studded show featuring “The Cool Franciscans” and “The “Dancing Dominicans” and ten other exiting clerical acts including the “Bouncing Bishops of Rio.”
A-CNN EXCLUSIVE: The Vatican recently announced that the Congregation for the “Causes of the Saints” has initiated a new program for beatifications. The opportunity for Sainthood will no longer be restricted to martyrs or to those who have shown heroic virtue but, just as importantly, those who have been a nice person following his or her conscience.
This will be a monthly, first time ever, revolutionary new beatification lottery with no denominational restrictions; even atheists can enter. All persons are invited to submit their names along with a short autobiography and selfie to any parish office displaying a Sign that reads: “Official Lucky-Saint Lottery”.
There are no other requirements but, a contribution to the Social Justice Society or the Democratic Party will be very much appreciated.
In the spirit of Vatican II and ecumenism the winner of each month’s drawing will receive a certificate of Sainthood signed by the Pope along with an autographed picture of President Obama with the Pope in the Vatican that will be suitable for framing.
Don’t miss this wonderful opportunity to impress your family and friends with a genuine Saint Certificate; join the many who already enjoy this coveted prize and see the difference it will make in your own life.
The following is one of my favorite satire pieces from the Remnant's Alium Cepa News Network (A-CNN).
I reproduce it here for your reading enjoyment...
Demon Alleges Lack of Preparation for Vatican II Exorcism
By I. M. Persiflage
It is with great animosity that I file this official complaint regarding my recent assignment to possess a high school student at Blessed Karl Rahner Catholic Community. As you are well aware I am a very junior demon and this was my first possession assignment outside of Hell. The training I received from senior demons in preparation for this assignment did not prepare me in the least for what I experienced. From what I was told, I would be sent into the world to fight the forces of good and score a victory for the powers of Hell. Instead I myself was exposed to a Hell I have heretofore never experienced.
As you are aware, as a junior demon I have been assigned to the more shallow circles of Hell and my contract explicitly states I am not to be exposed to anything approaching the 5th circle or greater. As you will see my experience during this possession rates at least an 8th, if not 9th circle level of torment. I have included a statement of what transpired below as evidence of my claims.
In addition, I am petitioning for compensation. I want to be assigned for at least six weeks to demon corps seven, which is assigned to tempt Catholic politicians. As you know the demons in this corps do practically nothing since it is impossible to tempt people who have no conscience. This will give me adequate time to recover from my traumatic possession experience inflicted by the negligence of those senior demons who failed to properly prepare me. Thank you for your consideration of this request.
Statement Regarding the Possession of Hunter Jones on February 22, 2013
I was assigned to possess a high school student by the name of Hunter Jones at Blessed Karl Rahner Catholic Community in California, U.S.A. Hunter was disinterested in church, but was being forced by his parents to participate in the teen band that played at the parish rock Mass. I took possession of Hunter as his band played a Metallica song for the Eucharistic hymn at the 5pm Saturday Mass. The pastor set up a meeting with me the next week.
(A-CNN) This week, in a shocking move, the Southern Poverty Law Center (SPLC) has declared itself a hate group. The decision came as a surprise to many SPLC followers. The SPLC was founded in 1971 to fight white supremacist organizations. Over the years, the SPLC began to compose a list of organizations they consider “hate groups.” This “hate list” began by including legitimate “hate groups” such as the KKK and Neo-Nazis.
Bad-Hair Day after Dec. 21
(A-CNN)Participants at the Doha Climate Summit were shaken by the release of a top secret study on global warming prepared for the United Nations by Scientists To Unify Precious Informational Data (STUPID), a think tank funded by a consortium of concerned investment banks.
(A-CNN) The Foundation for Equality, Atheism & Resistance (FEAR), a national public policy organization, is suing every major retail store in the Mall For America (MFA) for failing to pass a Mall-wide ordinance against salesclerks wishing shoppers “Happy Holidays”. The lawsuit names not only the main anchors of the Mall—Macy’s, Nordstrom and Sears—but also the junior anchors—Barnes & Noble, Best Buy, Old Navy, LEGO, the Apple Store to name a few.