Specifically designed to clarify a distinct political separation of positions normally composed of conflicting views, this Vatican Compendium Trilogy (VCT) will separate the actual Synod language into three unique categories. Because the Synod on the Family will include sensitive issues which may appear to some to be non-traditional and for some others difficult to comprehend, these necessary steps needed to be taken. The Compendiums are divided and the nomenclature especially designed and defined to be easily understood, appreciated and distinct in either the Liberal, Moderate and or the Traditional Sensus Catholicus.
Vatican Announces Official Synod on the Family Compendium Trilogy
Written by James Cunningham / A-CNN Columnist
Speaking to a select group of journalists gathered with him around his crystal ball, Father Giovanni della Piccolo Bologna, SJ, also known as the Vatican’s Chief Sorcerer, asserted his openness to the idea that the assorted mélange of new age beliefs is entirely compatible with Catholicism.
I walked into the large tent in front. A scrawled wooden sign hung over the entrance: “Dr. Bergoglio’s Holistic Health and Wellness Center." Underneath that, another one: “I’m OK, You’re OK - So Who am I to Judge?" The musty smell of sheep hung in the air like a moldy pile of damp laundry. The tent flap opened easily. Too easily.
A male nurse gave me the cold once-over, took my information and motioned me to a seat with an elegant gesture. A queer feeling came over me, as though I had unwittingly crossed a threshold into...“Mr. Marlowe?" Old Doc Bergoglio himself stood before me. His horn-rimmed glasses only partially concealed a leering expression. “Hmmm," I thought, “that queer feeling again." He invited me into his examination area. A small partition in the back, hardly bigger than a confessional.
A New Doctor of the Church (with apologies to Raymond Chandler)
Written by John Ingram
Article 2 of Canon 401, according to the Vatican’s website, refers to a situation when “a diocesan bishop who has become less able to fulfill his office because of ill health or some other grave cause is earnestly requested to present his resignation from office.” Cardinal Dolan’s resignation will take effect immediately, and although he will still be a Cardinal, he will no longer lead a diocese. It is up to Pope Francis to choose his successor. The brief Vatican statement gave no word as to what Cardinal Dolan will do following his resignation.
Breaking News: Big Apple Prelate Packs It In (Or At Least He Should)
Written by James Cunningham / A-CNN Columnist
Since our crack staff has discovered that all of the Pope’s telephone conversations are recorded by the NSA, we’ve invoked the Freedom of Liberation Theology Information Act to obtain a transcript of this call. We dutifully pass it along for your edification…
+POPE FRANCIS (on the telephone): Yes, let me speak to Eugenio please – at once!
+SCALFARI: Yes, this is he - who is calling?
+POPE FRANCIS: Gene? Oh, thank goodness you’re there!
A-CNN Special Report: Now that the Vatican has ended its seven-year investigation of the Looney Communities of Women Rebels (LCWR), a jubilant Ima Cardinal Hairatik called a press conference in order to lay to rest once and for all the lies and deceits of the “Good Sisters of Old” (various pre-conciliar women’s religious orders). The major points of the Cardinal’s statements are as follows:
- The Vatican is painfully aware that students taught in pre-Vatican II Catholics schools still harbor malicious fallacies perpetrated by nuns teaching in Catholic diocese world-wide. Whether their intentions were noble or not, the fact remains that these former rigid teachings are in conflict with the new theology being promoted by the Post-Vatican II Church and the Sisters of the LCWR.
Vatican Spokesman Clarifies Statements Made by “The Good Sisters of Old”
Written by M.T. Church
A-CNN, 4-24-2015 – Allium-Cepa has just learned that the director of the Vatican Press Office, Fr. Federico Lombardi, S.J., held an emergency press conference this morning. The purpose of the meeting was to announce to the media some particulars about the Missionaries of Mercy that Pope Francis will be dispatching across the globe during the “Year of Mercy”.
Fr. Lombardi opened the press conference with the announcement, “I would like to begin by stating that while this new development from Pope Francis is surprising, nonetheless I am certain that this is truly the ‘aggiornamento autentico’ that the Church needs at this time.”
“This morning while I was having breakfast with Bergoglio… I mean, the Holy Father, His Holiness informed me as he buttered his scone that he felt the best choice of priests to act as his Missionaries of Mercy are those of the Society of Saint Pius X.”
Breaking News: Pope Assigns SSPX-SWAT Team as Missionaries of Mercy, Voris Objects
Written by William Bernardi
The novel opens with the introduction of a new Tolkien character – Ishkabibble, Bilbo Baggins’ half brother from his mother’s previous marriage to a dwarf. Ishkabibble happens upon a pair of magic orthopedic shoes. While wearing these shoes, other people cannot hear the wearer when he speaks. Ishkabibble then sets upon a great quest to return the shoes to their creators, the cobbler elves (not to be confused with the Keebler© elves). Joining him on the quest are his boon companions Bilbo Baggins and Sam Wisenheimer, along with the mighty wizard Glandjob.
A-CNN Book Review: Return of the Two Towers, by J.R.R.R.R. Tolkien
Written by James Bendell
Cardinal Angelo Amato, Prefect of the Congregation for the Causes of Saints, has announced, on the heels of the recent beatification of Pope Paul VI, an exciting new candidate for beatification on the increasingly crowded Expressway to the Ever-Widening Gate of Heaven. It seems that Cardinal Walter Kasper, President Emeritus of the Pontifical Council for Promoting Christian Unity, has now introduced the cause of Annibale Bugnini, the architect of the highly-touted liturgical reform of Vatican II, to the Congregation. Kasper reportedly gave his permission to open an investigation into Abp. Bugnini’s virtues in response to repeated and urgent requests from Pope Francis and his inner circle.
Cardinal Kasper’s correspondence to the Congregation is rumored to elaborate on a little-known connection between Kasper and Bugnini that apparently developed during the recent Synod on the Family. Apparently Kasper had been praying repeatedly to the spirit of Abp. Bugnini – whom he, Kasper, considers to be the apotheosis of the “Spirit of Vatican II” - to ensure that the revolutionary draft language on homosexuals remain in the final Synod document, despite stiff resistance from “conservative” bishops. When this language was in fact retained in the final document, by the anti-collegial order of Pope Francis, Kasper was ecstatic at this miracle, and redoubled his zealous efforts on Bugnini’s behalf.
The Remnant's Rome correspondents have just translated an article written by noted Vaticanist Sandy Maestro, who writes for the Italian paper Viva Il Papa. The paper has heard from certain anonymous Vatican officials that the Holy See is targeting a Traditionalist Catholic writer from the United States for a possible lawsuit. The writer in question has suggested by email to The Remnant that he write an article exposing the Pope's secret project for granting a retroactive annulment to British King Henry VIII and his wife Catherine of Aragon, as part of Rome's Ecumenical outreach.
But thanks to the recent expansion of the Vatican's Dicastery of Mail Interception under Cardinal Giuseppe Lampedusa, emails as well as books are now subject to appropriate action. Lampedusa's mandate, according to the anonymous sources, uses NSA techniques to monitor emails to and from groups and publications sympathetic to pre-Vatican II thought and beliefs. The Dicastery of course exempts Michael Voris' organization, since he has promised never to criticize the Pope.
